Somewhere in Between
by Hoshiko
Summary: A 'sort of' prequel to "Midnight Conversation"


Hmmmm...something that I've been meaning to write for a while now but just never seemed to get around to. Shinobu's POV to what happened before (and during) the events in "Midnight Conversation." More of his musings on what happened than anything else...>_

Sort of a prequel, I suppose. 

Hoshiko ^_^

Disclaimer: I do not _Here is Greenwood_, I'm just borrowing the characters for a bit. I also do not own the song "Somewhere in Between" by Lifehouse, I'm just borrowing it for a little bit. 

feedback is greatly appreciated ^_^

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**Somewhere in Between**

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I can't be losing sleep over this, no, I can't  
And now I cannot stop pacing  
Give me a few hours I'll have this all sorted out  
If my mind would just stop racing

~_Somewhere in Between_ - Lifehouse

It's funny, but I already regret throwing you out, Mitsuru.   
  
Funny in the way that you wouldn't expect something to be. Funny in the way that you'd run into someone you were thinking about just the other day. Funny in the way that nothing ever seems to go the way you want it to - but everything turns out all right in the end anyway.  
  
I don't know exactly what it was that made me throw you out of our room like that. Like a woman scorned kicking her cheating husband out of her house.  
  
Perhaps it was the way you were looking at me, as though you suspected me of not being the person you thought I was. Perhaps it was that tone in your voice, the one that always cuts me to the core, the one that makes you sound as though you're bleeding inside. Perhaps it was the way you kept asking me 'why', as though I had all the answers.   
  
I don't, you know. Have all the answers, I mean. I never did. And to be honest - I hope I never do.  
  
Everything would be just all too simple then, don't you think? Knowing the answer to a question that hadn't even been asked yet? Knowing the answers to questions people hadn't even found the words to ask yet?   
  
It would make life boring. Monotonous in a way that I would never be able to tolerate.  
  
I live for the challenge that each new day brings. I live to solve the intricate puzzles of each new dilemma that life throws at me - at us. I live, because I don't know what's just around the corner.   
  
I might guess at what lays in wait for us. I might deduce that a certain thing will happen as a result of a precise set of circumstances surrounding it - but I never truly know what might happen.   
  
I'm a gambler that way. I measure the odds, weigh the risks and then I choose which end result I believe will occur. But I never know. It would take the thrill out of the challenge, if I knew.   
  
And you, Mitsuru.   
  
You were perhaps the biggest challenge to ever cross my path. I had no way to know if the effort I would put into getting to know you would ever pay off. I had no way to know _how_ my efforts would pay off. But there was something about you that made me want to take that risk. Something in the way you held yourself that made me want to know the person you really were. Not the face you showed to the world, but _you_, Mitsuru. You.  
  
It took time to get to know you. Time to get to know what it was that made you tick. Time to get to know just what it was that made you into the person you are today. It took precious time and resources to crack that defensive wall you placed around yourself. And it took even more time to get you to trust me. To get you to feel that you could truly be yourself around me.  
  
And you did trust me. More than I would have ever thought possible. I was surprised at how well you reacted to my offers of friendship, subtle as they were. But I was even more surprised when you turned the tables and began to take a risk - on me.  
  
Imagine my surprise that first time you took my hand in yours. Imagine my shock when you first pressed your lips to mine. Imagine my fear when you first looked into my eyes and told me what you felt for me. That you _loved_ me. Imagine what I felt when you asked me if I loved you.  
  
I can still remember the look on your face as the silence stretched into seconds, the seconds into minutes. I can still remember the way you pulled away, your fingers brushing mine. I can still remember the _pain_ I saw in your eyes when I didn't - when I _couldn't_ - answer you.  
  
I do love you, Mitsuru. Oh but I do. There's no way that I couldn't after having spent so much of myself in getting to know the person you are. But you barely know me, Mitsuru.  
  
You don't know why I do the things I do. You don't know the reasons why I feel the need to wear my mask of cool indifference. You don't know what I fear most in life. Or in death.  
  
But you do want to know, and that scares me far more than anything else that I could possible imagine.   
  
For once in my life someone was taking the time and effort to get to know me. Not as I appeared to be, but as I was. As I am.   
  
And it scared me that anyone would want to. It scared me that anyone would choose to look beyond appearances. It scared me that _you_ of all people would want to.  
  
So I did the only thing that I could - I kicked you out.   
  
It was childish. It was immature. Worst of all, it was irrational.  
  
But you have to understand, Mitsuru. When it comes to you and the way that I feel for you, I lose my focus. Things that made perfect sense suddenly don't. The logic that I cling to so fervently just doesn't seem to apply to you or your behavior.   
  
You take the control that I've fought to keep for so long and set it on its side. You turn my world upside down, and I don't know how to react. I don't know what to do or what to say, so I fall back on reflex. On instinct.  
  
Fight or flight.   
  
Only with you involved, it was a little bit of both. Muddled and unclear.   
  
I expected you to put up more of a fight when I ordered you to leave. I expected you to refuse and stand your ground. I expected anything but what I got, Mitsuru. But maybe it was what I deserved.   
  
I do love you, Mitsuru. Never doubt that. I love you, but I don't think that I can tell you that just now. The words are there; I just don't know how to say them.  
  
I don't expect a second chance from you, Mitsuru. I don't expect you to forgive me. I don't expect you to trust me again after what I've done to you this night, Mitsuru. But know that I love you, even if I can't say the words yet. I love you Mitsuru, with all that I am and all that I will be. I love you.


End file.
